Contentment...

I've found that one of the biggest things I struggle with on a day-to-day basis is knowing and believing that I am loved beyond all measure.

I don't know why I struggle with this so much. I sing songs proclaiming this truth. I read Scripture expressing this fact. I thank God for it. Yet... I struggle so much to simply believe it.

I find that often times I am very one-track minded. I get fixated on something that I think I want or would be good for me and I run all-out until I either attain it or it falls away. This is true for so many things in my life. I run all out after ministry, after future jobs, school, relationships, friends... the list can go on forever. I run, with blinders on, as hard as I can after what I think is best for me believing the lie that if I get it, I will finally be happy. That I will finally be content.

That is never the case.

Often times... most times, I run and run. I chase and chase. I pursue and pursue, forsaking all other things, for the opportunity to get what I so desperately want to find that I never get it. I end up broken. I end up frustrated. I end up angry. I end up hopeless. How vain must I be to think that I control the means of obtaining true happiness... joy... love?

I can say that God loves me... that he is my true source of joy... my true source of happiness, but I don't know that in the depths of my heart I believe it.

It comes back to this idea of Lordship that I wrote about a month ago or so. When I am not surrendering everything (and yes, I mean everything), I am not believing that God is my true source of life, joy, happiness, and love. When I hold on to things, I am saying, "No, no, I need this. I need this to be complete." I am stiff-arming God... I am boxing him in. I am saying, "You can have all this, but these few things are mine. I'm holding on to them."

I so desperately want this to change. I'm tired of chasing down things that I think are best. I am so tired of winding up broken, hurt, angry, frustrated, sad, hopeless, because I thought I knew what was best for myself.

I quit.